“She said, ‘I’m so afraid.’ And I said, ‘why?,’ and she said, ‘Because I’m so profoundly happy, Dr. Rasul. Happiness like this is frightening.’ I asked her why and she said, ‘They only let you be this happy if they’re preparing to take something from you.” – Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner. 

In the early hours or rather wee hours of morning, I was reminded of this little exchange in the famous story. 

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I am an honest man. Completely. 100%. “Purely honest”. So honest that the Greek God of Honesty, Eilikrineiusus, swears upon me when she sits with other Gods and plays poker. So honest that I have no neuron-wire going between my members capable of cognitive true-false-processing functions and vocal functions.  So honest that I can tell an ugly girl that she is not beautiful. I mean I am extremely honest. As honest as the Sun rising in the east. As honest as a blue colour is blue. My honesty is as confirmed as the existence of higgs or of DNA or of higgs between various DNAs.

Notwithstanding the foregoing, the aforementioned honesty stands suspended in the event of Sun setting in the West on a given day.

I am a completely loyal man. 100%. “Purely loyal”. So loyal that Greek God of Loyalty, Afosiosus, swears upon me when he goes out clubbing on Friday night with his friends, and his wife, Goddess of Suspicion, Ypopsius, needs him to assure her, by taking an oath upon my name, that he will not hit upon random fairies, unmarried goddesses et al. So loyal that dogs are jealous of my loyalty. Humans first came up with word – Fideity, which didn’t make sense; but then they came across my name and used last letter of my name to give sense and meaning to the word, and recognise my contributions to the field of fidelity.

Notwithstanding the aforementioned claims on loyalty, my loyalty is suspended in event of Sun rising in the east.

“Notwithstanding” is perhaps one of the best weapons in the arsenal of any person associated with legal profession or has come in touch with it. It has tremendous powers of diluting all what has been said, written and agreed upon. It has superior powers of negation. It can negate your existence in a court of law, let alone your claim or pleading. Governments world over, especially those who adopted the British legal system, use it to remind their respective citizens of their lowly status and their (government’s) own exalted status in the laws they enact. It is the only word, in a legal document, that separates powerful from the weak, and government from its citizens. The private corporations use it to harass the private individuals. The private individual uses it to harass a weaker private individual.

I have always been curious about this word, about its origins and about its current use as a weapon of mass fraudulence by stronger parties in a contract. Well, Oxford Dictionary tells its origins from Late Middle English as: from not + withstanding, present participle of withstand, on the pattern of Old French non obstant ‘not providing an obstacle to’. From the definition, it does appear that when the word was first introduced, it was done with  a noble intent. “Not providing an obstacle”: does sound like a noble intent. However, the legal vultures latched on to this word, and juxtaposing it with right words in a legal document turned the intended meaning of the word on its head. The word is now an obstacle in itself, not just a purveyor or non-purveyor of obstacle.

Instead of creating exceptions to the rules, this word has come to be used to define a new rule in any contract that will dilute all other rules under special circumstances. The circumstances, for example, as special as whenever a bird flaps its wings. Instead of subordinating provisions, the word has come to subordinate the weaker. I am guilty of using this word. However, I use it sparingly. Most of the time when I “use” it, it is to interpret a clause [that has this] of any act passed by a country’s government.

I know normal humans being don’t use this word. This blog post is just me indulging in catharsis for number of times I have used this word, and also about reminding myself that I can always do better than using the word “notwithstanding”.

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To make a choice

When you get involved in journey of life beyond your capabilities and potential, and after you have almost emptied yourself of a certain force, which you thought you had long preserved, it abandons you in middle of a vast wilderness, without any compass and forces you to either forget the journey that brought you to that wilderness or to just embrace the wilderness of vastness and emptiness from thereon. However, problem with some people is that they cannot make this choice. In fact, majority of people even have another [a third] choice, which is to continue going into it like forever, like it never happened. They just come to terms with it. However, a few are devoid of that third choice because they feel the journey too much. They feel the journey as unprecedented because they know so. They happen to relish those moments of that journey to wilderness too much, to their own peril, that they can’t let them go in vagaries of life. It is just not possible.

They make promises to themselves. Every day. That either they will forget the journey or that they will just embrace the wilderness; but they break those promises every day. They cheat themselves. In breaking those promises to themselves, they break a part of themselves every day. They are in a limbo, or may be in a type of mental persistent vegetative state. They don’t want to perform certain actions; yet they do them. They don’t want to say some words; yet they say them. They don’t want to feel in certain way; yet they feel that certain way. They don’t want to smell that fragrance in the air; yet they smell that fragrance. They don’t want any memory of a certain touch; yet they retain that memory. All of their senses conspire against their own existence. They cannot rely on them and they also cannot suspect them.

It is a battle. Between reality and imagination. Between the heart that feels and the heart that doesn’t. Between the mind that reasons and between the mind that doesn’t. Between the body that wants to stand upright and the body that just want to go into a deep slumber. Between the senses that tell you the truth and the senses that hide it from you. A constant scuffle. Almost a brawl. In the end, there is no running away, there is no choice that you can make, there is no battle that you want to lose; of course, unless you run away from existence itself, and that is just another choice to make in the end.

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Just when I was doing a fabulous job of hating life, mankind, being cynical about relationships of every kind, loving myself to the pinnacle, of being a well-sorted ambitious pessimist, and of being a completely profession oriented human being, my heart duped me; and just when I was submerging myself in the never before explored waters and enjoying the gift; my destiny, which acted through my words, robbed me. Now, I am confused and want to know which of these two selves of mine were real. The one that was cynical of going into waters or the one that went into waters.

As I look back, I realise, perhaps I know my real self. I always knew it. I just overstepped my boundaries of self, got deluded, ignored the autodidactic lesson that perseverance is but a rare jewel among us, extirpated my years of training to myself that evanescence is the essence of life and everything associated with it. Going through this complete cycle has made me much more cynical than I ever was. Yet, there is another anomaly. I am tempted to term it as mother of all anomalies. I loved, and still do, every drop of the waters in which I was submerging myself in.

In the end, life is grand total of some experiences gained, some tears lost, one heart explored, a few memories built and some words recorded. Let’s embrace the anomaly that life is. Let’s embrace it tightly, only to loosen its strings.

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Intro: Here


This has Hope and Despair woven into each other seamlessly.

Originally posted on David Emeron: Sonnets:


All your spirits are low
and the tears are hot
on your checks

then I would do anything
in my power
to give you peace.


If I could write today
if I could fool the Gods
as they sleep

into thinking that your voice
speaks through my hand
for one brief moment

to give you rest
to buy you time
then I would write today.


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