Death is always impending. The countdown to death starts from birth. Some live longer, some die sooner. To decay is the truth. A biological system will dissipate energy as it progresses along the time axis. Its organs will start to get into higher entropy zone. The skin will loosen up with wrinkles all over, the organs will merge into each other, some will develop cancer, some will have their hearts “entropised” and roaring to put the biological system to their end, some die of external influences such as assassination, accident, drowning, eaten by whale, fell from top of a 20-storey apartment, got under a DTC bus etc.

How will I die? I don’t know. May be by suffocation from the world around. Or I will be beaten to death by the whip (or hunting crop a la Sherlock Holmes) of life, which people call as “irony”. Without further ado, I present to you a “eulogy” that I aspire to be read on the fortunate and destined occasion of my death.

This eulogy has been prepared by him and I affirm that every detail mentioned herein is true to best of my knowledge. He was easily forgettable and often failed to give memories to cherish, laugh, remember or just any memory which will make anyone miss him. He never did anything particular that would touch hearts of people around him forever. He mistreated people so badly that none would want to come back into his fold after they were able to get out of his blazing clutches. Therefore, I would like to add that if I were to prepare a eulogy for him, it would have required efforts of mind, and not labours of heart. Efforts of mind are required to recollect some long forgotten details about such badly forgettable souls. Since the deceased was a heartless fellow, he himself would have prepared this with efforts of mind alone. 

Therefore, you all are requested to kindly be attentive to the words that I am about to say in not so fond memory of the deceased. Be specially attentive because outside the bounds of his professional life, most people didn’t pay attention to his words and also the force of emotions behind those words. 

From my vague memory of his, I recollect that he was a man of no talent. As far as I could remember, by the efforts of mind, I think if he had any talent it would be of having no talent whatsoever. Such talentlessness has seldom been seen in a human being. Every human at least has a talent for living. But he lacked that too in abundance. I don’t remember how and why I met him. But I am certain that those must have been the days of my personal misfortune. And I vividly remember how misfortune multiplied upon meeting him. First casualty was my job. For months to come, I was unemployed, with he mocking at me all the time. Though his own fortunes were rotting in the gutter, but he always had this gumption to laugh at people despite himself being at disadvantage. This made him more hated figure. I don’t remember him soothing any heart, cheering any depressed soul or making a sad person laugh. His words would pierce them in so painful a way that they would often leave him behind. Those who leave, they do come back if they have any fond memory but he gave no such reasons to those poor souls whose life he so fondly wretched. Hence, while the world made merry, made families, made kids, he was forced to live alone, and come up with horrible ideas of writing his own eulogy.

He wasn’t fond of anybody particularly. I am sure that at this gathering, all are seated here only to approve his funeral and bid this much controversial soul goodbye forever. Some of you would have already said the two famous words in his fond memory: Good Riddance. I don’t remember he loving anyone ever. I don’t remember him caring for anyone. I don’t remember he worrying for someone. If he cared for anyone, it must have been a farce. If he loved anyone, that must have been a trap to spoil lives. Moreover, what would one get from loving a soul as swarthy as his? He lacked sophistication. Despite his good education and more than average intellect (notwithstanding his talentlessness) he lacked sophistication. He never combed his hairs. His hairs were as entangled as skein of a wool just ripped from an old sweater. He had his own weird habits that would often annoy the people higher up in ladder of civilisation and sophistication. 

He was obnoxiously persistent. This quality would get upon stilts if people were to get rid of him. He would become more persistent to be with them. His quality of persistence at times paid off. He cleared exams with flying colours, he would read books for hours and he would devour thoughts for days. His reading interests included biographies, history, politics, law and philosophy. No wonder he came to be as complicated, cold, detached and monotonous as these subjects. His obnoxious persistence caused much pain to people he used to pretend to love. Well, since it was pretence, he enjoyed their pain, he wallowed in their tears and made merry in their sufferings. He was very selfish and insensitive. So insensitive he was that despite people shunning him all the time, he will still go and knock at their doors, much to their chagrin. He had once told me that he used to be a conceited fellow and carried too much pride in his talentlessness. But that hollow pride too was lost by him. If he had any talent apart from talentlessness, it was of losing out. He regularly lost people, their trust, their love and all that what makes a human being a man. 

By much efforts of brain, I am now able to vaguely recall the days I had met him. I used to dread, frown and get annoyed before meeting him. Such was his charm. I used to drive, he used to sit on the seat beside me. And then we would engage in boring, meaningless conversations. I used to wonder why I meet this wonderless fellow. May be because he always used to put too much passion in his talentless and boring talks. I would ardently wait for the day to get over and drop this fellow at a place from where he can go his home. He knew no place of moving around. No clubs, no restaurants, no shopping malls, nothing! As told, he was man of zero sophistication and was therefore alien to all these lively venues of modern sophisticated life. 

If I were to count his tales of misfortunes and the misfortunes that he brought upon me, I would have to write a four volume book. But the man is not worth more than two-page eulogy. Some of you present here, would think that two page eulogy might be his only achievement. Please don’t laugh, after all, at the end of the day, we are mourning a death of an acquaintance, howsoever deserved. All his life, he spoiled other’s lives. He continued to pretend love. He continued to pretend care. He continued to pretend emotions. He lived a pretence of a life. He was long dead. Nobody knows how he used to be before his actual death. He was particularly miser with money. Stingy. And he didn’t have good fortunes of Mr Scrooge that Christmas ghosts would visit him to transform his life. Even the ghosts were wary of him.

It is now time to end this more-than-his-worth two-page eulogy. I may also add that he was a thankless, non-obliging and painful fellow. But stating these and all other synonyms of these would be stating the obvious. My only wish is that the way he never allowed us to live in peace, his soul too never gets to rest in peace. The way he wretched lives of people around him, his soul is wretched in similar manner every day.  If his soul is somewhere around, I would like to tell him that he was not missed and he will not be missed. There are much better people for spending life with. That he did not leave any void in our hearts that his loss be mourned. He was not and still is not worth even one tear of us. That he and his ilk need not be replaced, for nobody wants trouble to replaced by a better trouble. That when he was not missed at all while living, there is a no chance that he will be missed after his death. His story is over and so is the torture that he gave to a few souls merely by his undeserved existence. 

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, please proceed towards the roof, for a sumptuous dinner, to celebrate the fortunate occasion. Help yourself with that sparkling wine! You, Mr S, please lead the party to the roof. It says so in his will.