These days I am agitated for no apparent reasons. I know the reasons but I don’t want to face them or do anything about them. Not that I am terrified of facing them but I am not certain whether I can really accomplish anything by facing them. I want to run away. To a far off country. A new country where I have never been and where I spend a portion of the rest of my life. Since migrating to a new country isn’t easy in the era of rapidly globalising world, I am waiting for the day when governments world over also recognise the people running away from their lives as refugees.
I want to break all my friendships, relationships, bonds and acquaintances forever. All appear superficial. All appear a way of deluding ourselves into believing that we can count on them. All of them, as it appears, have made me a handicap of sorts. Why do we need them anyway? A self-declared and self-styled misanthrope like me certainly doesn’t need any company. I can do without company. Inside my heart, a fierce battle is on. I am leaving everything and everyone behind. It is happening. I can feel that. I know that slowly and gradually, I will leave all and everyone behind.
There is no place to seek peace. It appears that peace has been missing for long time. It went on a vacation and then forgot me. Then, I am forgettable. It is no fault of peace that it forgot me. Peace might have left after getting agitated from my agitations and anxieties. Why would it want to come back to someone so restless?
I want to burn all my books. I have deleted many of them from my Kindle and iBooks, but then there is something similar about technology and life that you just can’t get rid of things you don’t want. They are preserved in cloud. If your memory is strong and spacious, you cannot get rid of them at all. I can download them at a single stroke of my finger. I tried burning a book that I hadn’t finished reading. As I set its top right edge on fire, I was agitated by the agitation that will be borne out of burning a book unfinished. I am still unable to leave everything and everyone behind. I trampled the burning edge of the book with my fingers and resolved to finish it before setting it to fire again. Now, I am agitated by the space it takes on my shelf as I procrastinate finishing it.
I am not given into halves. I am unable to do anything half-heartedly or leave matters unfinished. Last night I cooked an egg dish – a large amount of it – so that I can also eat it the next day but I cannot leave one half of it in the refrigerator. I finished it all. I cannot leave my food and drinks unfinished. It agitates me. My refrigerator is always empty. The two days before that I spent whole day without eating or drinking.
I am a spiteful man these days. I have run out of benevolence. It may be because it has not been returned to me by the people I made receiver of my benevolence. All I am left with is malice. I also think that maybe there never was benevolence in me from the beginning and that malice is all I am actually made up of. Malice and spite.
I am uncertain. Only matter that I am certain about is that I want to run away. Very far. Forever and I will. When I have gradually walked away from all and everything, when I am comfortably estranged with all and everything and make everyone and everything estranged from me, I will run away to far off land. I will have no regrets of leaving the matters unfinished then.
Or this all may be my restlessness and anxieties talking.